I Heart The Mudflats

Well, now really, people. All these weeks and I have been presented with only three questions? Three?

I know far more of you are troubled about something than just the three who wrote; or in need of the correct etiquette for a sticky situation. Or something.

‘Tis not for naught, though - the questions I got were intriguing. Let’s take a look.

Dear B.J.

We sent men to the moon. Why hasn’t someone invented an easier way for ladies to pee in a cup, by now?

Peeing in Poughkeepsie

Oh, darling, we have. In this case, a picture is good and an actual demonstration even better.

But, I’m more interested in why you need to pee in a cup and if you intend on making a habit of it (or if you have a habit, hence peeing in a cup).

Truthfully, I’m so annoyed by the whole thing that I pee into the cup, slosh the sides, and, generally, get everything completely unsterile and then hand the dripping mess to Nurse Ratchet. If nothing else they could give us those pan-thingies that fit over the toilet that nurses refer to as “hats.”

B.J.

Betty Jane, I have to tell you. I am so fed up with seeing a certain website mentioned in various comments sections around the progressive blogs. This website is an awful negative place and one look at that site was enough to convince me never to go back - why can’t everyone else do the same? Why the obsession with what idiots who adore Sarah Palin are writing? Doesn’t the fact that they adore Sarah Palin immediately qualify them as demented people who should be locked away somewhere safe away from the rest of us sane people? So why would anyone want to read a website written by these people?

Nauseated in Nantucket

Oh, off the top of my head? For the same reason people gawk at accident sites, look at their poop before they flush it, and watch reality t.v.

People are strange and the internet allows the really strange ones a stage to perform. If there are performers, there must be an audience.

As an analogy, I knew someone who watched Fox news programming regularly even though it made her angry and throw things at the teevee. She insisted it was necessary to keep abreast of what the Philistines were doing. While there is some credence to that, I think the only sane thing to do is to avoid the insane and/or tranquilize them. I have not yet figured out how to slip haloperidol through a modem. I’ll let my faithful readers (sniff…all three of them) know when I do. In the meantime, looney toons are going to spew venom all over the internet and, like a good car wreck, some of us are lookie-loos. But if they must look, they really should refrain from telling us about it. I don’t look at my poop when I flush and I certainly don’t want anyone else’s crap spoiling my view.

B.J.

It’s been over 9 months since my last day without Mudflats. Shouldn’t I be going into labor soon?

Manic in Miami

In a significant number of pregnancies, gestation takes longer than the medical norm of 40 weeks. However, honey, we are not talking about pregnancy. We are talking about Mudflats Unipolar Disorder (MUD).

Beginning in August of last year, the disorder has been tracked by the CDC and the AMA. Initially thought a virus, the CDC dropped out when it was conclusively proven that MUD was a psychological disorder. The AMA lost interest when it discovered the sufferers were, for the most part, happy, well-adjusted people. Professor P. Gordon Pferstone, an expert in cultural anthropology, has been watching the ‘flats in an attempt to understand the group process and methods of community building. In addition, he’s working on a taxonomy of the LOLs .

Now if you’re not happy, not productive, and not, overall, a better person for attaining Mudpuppy citizenship, then you need a trip abroad. Turn off the computer for a few days and go garden or dance or do whatever it was that you did before Mudflats enlightenment and frivolity.

B.J.

And so, mi amigos, that concludes this episode of B.J.’s B.S.  Write.  Write now.  Write often.

Just use the form below to send your question to Betty Jane’s Bravos and Scoldings (B.J.’s B.S. for short) and we’ll pass them on to her.

Forum Staff

B.J. Coldwater has kindly offered to respond to some of the comments the Forum Staff is uncomfortable answering. Most of these involve questions about problems and sticky situations the writer is having in their personal life.

B.J. does NOT have a degree in psychiatry, psychology, counseling nor fortune telling. She isn’t an RN, MD, DDS or a member of the Fraternal Order of Police. She does have a lot of letters after her name, but most of these are acronyms of her own invention. In short, she has absolutely no qualifications other than a willing ear (and nosy mind) to offer advice other than in the field of coprology, converting Wagnerian operas to reggae street parades, and naked Twister.

Questions will appear here on I Heart Mudflats, but fake names will be assigned to protect your identity.

In searching for a person to fill this position, we sent out the following question received by a member of the Forum Staff (all identifying information was removed and the husband’s condition was changed to further protect anonymity).

Hi! I hope you can help. I’ve read your posts and I think you are an honest, caring person and smart.. I have a problem that I don’t want to post.

OK. Here goes. . .

My husband is the sweetest guy on earth and I love him with every fiber of my being, but he’s got an insane amount of body hair. He used to be really active in cycle racing. If you don’t know, cyclists shave their body hair - it has something to do with clothes they wear. Anyway, he’s quit cycling and I am completely grossed out. When I mention it, he says I should love him as is he is. This is beginning to affect our sex life. What can I say to him to get him to do a little manscaping?

Nauseous in Nevada

B.J. responded with:

Honey, I haven’t had sex in so long, I’m considered a common law virgin. If you love the guy, deal with it. I suppose you could shave or wax him (I’d suggest a cold wax) while he’s sleeping; or you can just do what I would do and shout “hot nooky, let’s get to it.”

B.J.

We rather enjoyed B.J.’s spirited reply, but felt she wasn’t quite what we had in mind. However, we thought we’d capitalize on her willingness and offer I Heart Mudflatters the opportunity to ask her their most pressing questions.

Just use the form below to send your question to Betty Jane’s Bravos and Scoldings (B.J.’s B.S. for short) and we’ll pass them on to her.

Forum Staff